• ברקט

Can't Find The Words - אין מילים להסביר

I am having a hard time trying to find the right words to describe the "long night" I have been experiencing for the past few months.

There was a tremendous amount of excitement and anxiety and anticipation around Thanksgiving - some of the details shared in my last post - and for the few days after the party I was tired, but very content.

Then came the realization, like a ton of bricks landing on my head, that the days were noticeably growing shorter and the light was disappearing. Well, DUH. From the end of November until the winter solstice the number of daylight hours do in fact decrease and for those who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), it can be a very sad and scary time indeed. But my newly low mood is not due to SAD. It is to do with being sad. Sad that vitriol and accusations and counter-accusations are now the norm.

I pretty much slept every afternoon in early December and by the second week I had booked a ticket to San Francisco and Vancouver to get a much needed mental flu shot. Alas, California was more depressing because of the upcoming inauguration of the President Elect and my family and friends were not in the best places themselves. Vancouver was better. My Mom is a tower of strength and she makes me feel like it is okay to feel what I feel and that there are always new paths to follow. If the old ones disappear, then try something else. Don't ever give up.

It has taken me a whole month to let that message sink in. I am moving again. I do still despair at the state of politics in all my homes. But as Isaac so aptly put it "We have been here before. We will reemerge in a different form. We are resilient." If the Israel I love changes beyond my ken and American starts to card me for my political and religious affiliations, I will be unhappy but I will allow myself to be paralyzed again.

Apologies for the downer. It's over. The sun is rising, Sami's calling, and the flip-flops are slapping down Shabazi, once again.

#rumination #תקווה

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